So it is time to say goodbyeee...:(
Its hard to start to sum up the Enfield experience in a blog on my last ever working day here but I will give it a shot. This last week has been a time where I have looked back on the sart of the year and the experiences and feelings I had about it all then. I remember being nervous and also excited to take in the new experiences, trying to understand what it was that was happening here and what my role in the whole thing was. Thats definetley something that has been becoming clearer up to this point, infact Id say that it maybe wasnt 'til after Christmas that it started to sink in.
A massively important thing for me and probably the most life changing in the long run is my faith here in Enfield. I panicked before that maybe God would change here because I wasn't connecting with him in the ways I was used to and that he wouldn't be consistent and that maybe I'd lose him. But in fact, the very opposite happened, at the beginning of my time, I felt him so close. He has and is opening my eyes to see a bigger Him than I ever imagined, and it is terrifying because it means I am letting go of things I have held on to in the name of God but with a heart of fear. This year has challenged me to see things from a different perspective, to understand that the way I do things is not THE way to do things. Many things and lessons have started here, certainly living in community, practising grace practically, learning to fall in love with him. Still, he draws me to his heart of grace and love, that has been something that God is doing this year, he is continuing to pursue me even though I am consistently turn my back on him. It's nice to know he's willing to move to Enfield for me.
On more practical notes...the youth clubs. Ive loved everyone of them and they have all been different. The Island, for me, has been the youth club that has meant the most, and I think I always knew it would. It has been the one that has required most of me timewise and heartwise. I have found it challenging at times and know that I have to put myself out there, unlike Kettering or Bounces road to thje same extent where I have always felt a good degree of safety and security. They have been a place where I have learned to serve and not think always me, me, me (although I still do the majority of the time) and think about investing in these young people and offering them companionship, to actually care about their lives, something reasonably uncommon in their day-to-day. This has had rewards, the little things the young people say or do can often mean alot.
The things Ive learned here and am learning are too many to mention. I have found the daytimes and admin tough, I have sometimes struggled with motivation, with appreciating every moment as an oppurtunity to serve, I have struggled to give myself up, to sometimes be honest when it hurts, to know when Im being selfsih and when I need to say something, I have struggled finding the difference, balance and truth in activisim, pursuing the heart of God, I have struggled in loving others, prefering to search and seek my own identity and so acting out of fear instead of love.
Sometimes I am so behind what is going on here, other times I cannot muster the motivation. I cannot sum up what these 6 months have been for me, because I still do not yet know. It has been a pleasure, however, sharing life with the people I have met here, learning more about God and his plans and dreams and church. I feel blessed (and I mean that in its richest sense) to have come into contact with all the people I have in my time here, and I think this is the most important thing to me. From young people, to church members to staff at the academy, to people I have met through other people, to the volunteers and then to my own precious team, it has been such a blessing and these are the people who I have learned so much from and really, what my memories from Enfield will be about!
Friday, 20 March 2009
Monday, 2 March 2009
What fairtrade means to me...
At the beginning of this gap year I had heard of fairtrade through a friends mum. And I did vow to only buy fairtrade chocolate, however, the vow was as far as it went because I forgot and then couldn't really be bothered.
And then when I arrived here, I met Steve and he was kinda onboard with the whole thing. I didnt enjoy the disruption to my lifestyle and I didnt appreciate the talk at training on fairtrade. I knew it was an issue but I didnt want to confront it. So instead of confronting it, I made fun of Steve. Slowly, I let it sink in, and realised the implications, how disgusting it was that we're at a point where we feel generous and sacrificial when we allow someone else a fair wage, something we demand.
This started me being alot hotter on the whole thing. And I would happily judge others and tell others about fairtrade and try my bestest to buy fairtrade stuff. Of course, when I needed footy boots immediately, fairtrade wasn't an issue. I am very poor with determination and so I knew that if I made a "vow" I would probably break it. But I also saw that in my moments of "revelation" if you like, how much it meant to people. And so I settled in getting fairtrade whenever I could, and yes still juding slightly those who didnt.
However, it all sorta got a bit shattered when I went for coffee with someone I respect and look up to and they said they didnt find it an issue, that its the big companies that need to change. Now, Im not saying what he said was right, but it made me think. Would Jesus make it a big deal? I'm not saying he wouldnt be for it, he absolutely would. But, would that be the issue? Is there something bigger and something more important going on when we choose fairtrade than just fairtrade? It's a great cause, one I am behind, but if I ever get legalistic about it, get so passionate about it that it owns me, that guilt hangs over me when I buy one Mars Bar, is that good?
Jesus was not bound by anything yet subject to all. The story of when the woman uses all her perfume on her feet, the question was posed...couldn't that have been sold and the money given to the poor? And yes it could, and that would have been good, right? What was it about Jesus that he was free? He had been preaching justice for the poor and yet he let this thing slide?! It intriques me and I think has implications for causes such as fairtrade. Yes, I am absolutely behind it, and yes I will go out of my way to buy fairtrade, but I think that I wont let it own me. Fairtrade, at the end of the day is about justice, and justice is about redemption and redemption comes back to Christ.
So it does matter to me, and I am behind it and I want to celebrate it and I want to worship Jesus thorugh it and I want to learn from him through it and I want to know him through it but I want to be like the lady with the perfume too.
And then when I arrived here, I met Steve and he was kinda onboard with the whole thing. I didnt enjoy the disruption to my lifestyle and I didnt appreciate the talk at training on fairtrade. I knew it was an issue but I didnt want to confront it. So instead of confronting it, I made fun of Steve. Slowly, I let it sink in, and realised the implications, how disgusting it was that we're at a point where we feel generous and sacrificial when we allow someone else a fair wage, something we demand.
This started me being alot hotter on the whole thing. And I would happily judge others and tell others about fairtrade and try my bestest to buy fairtrade stuff. Of course, when I needed footy boots immediately, fairtrade wasn't an issue. I am very poor with determination and so I knew that if I made a "vow" I would probably break it. But I also saw that in my moments of "revelation" if you like, how much it meant to people. And so I settled in getting fairtrade whenever I could, and yes still juding slightly those who didnt.
However, it all sorta got a bit shattered when I went for coffee with someone I respect and look up to and they said they didnt find it an issue, that its the big companies that need to change. Now, Im not saying what he said was right, but it made me think. Would Jesus make it a big deal? I'm not saying he wouldnt be for it, he absolutely would. But, would that be the issue? Is there something bigger and something more important going on when we choose fairtrade than just fairtrade? It's a great cause, one I am behind, but if I ever get legalistic about it, get so passionate about it that it owns me, that guilt hangs over me when I buy one Mars Bar, is that good?
Jesus was not bound by anything yet subject to all. The story of when the woman uses all her perfume on her feet, the question was posed...couldn't that have been sold and the money given to the poor? And yes it could, and that would have been good, right? What was it about Jesus that he was free? He had been preaching justice for the poor and yet he let this thing slide?! It intriques me and I think has implications for causes such as fairtrade. Yes, I am absolutely behind it, and yes I will go out of my way to buy fairtrade, but I think that I wont let it own me. Fairtrade, at the end of the day is about justice, and justice is about redemption and redemption comes back to Christ.
So it does matter to me, and I am behind it and I want to celebrate it and I want to worship Jesus thorugh it and I want to learn from him through it and I want to know him through it but I want to be like the lady with the perfume too.
Thursday, 26 February 2009
Review-Chasing The Dragon
I was looking forward to reading this book since I've heard alot (both good and bad) about Jackie Pullinger. After Philippa had read it, she sorta left me wondering what to expect, I think I started it with a more ciritical view of things. Expecially since hearing two reports of her being annoying and "If you're not doing what I'm doing, you're not a Christian" type of attitude. However, I was determined to judge it for myself.
The first thing that I fell in love with was her simple faith. By her own admission, there was a lot she didnt understand, before even going to China. And it was a very simple yet "radical" decision to go in the first place. I was impacted by the simplicity of her decision. That is one thing I long for, a wreckless trust in God. I always think we can easily water-down the wrecklessness (in want of a better word) of Jesus and call it "being wise". Which means playing it safe. Jesus didnt play it safe. There was something in this woman that I was jealous of if you like.
As she got there and started to get stuck in, I could make, although limited and poor, comparisons between what she was doing and what I was doing. Yes there were leaps of difference between her situation and mine but there was almost the same fundamental thing. This was found in serving people that you would not have come in to any contact with if you had just floated through life. There was still the "risk", the laying down of self etc, just not in the same extremeties. But that was where the challenges came. She lived FOR them. I realised that in my situation, I will prepare for 2hours of youth club then run back home. I was not willing to LIVE for these young people. And it stretches further thatn that. So that you can live for anyone you come into contact with. Like Jesus.
The other thing I quite took to (being from a charismatic background) was the faith she had in things like healing and drug recovery. I sometimes feel that work at Oasis, can have a feel of activism/humanism. That this is how we serve God because we can do it this way, we dont know enough about healing and prayer and so that takes a backseat to practical, esteem-building help. In my opinion, she lived the holistic gospel. It encouraged me to speak in tongues, to believe for more than a practical "lets be nice to people" thing and radically love them. To hold to truth even when it's not PC and to treat everyone as a person.
She was a very real person, very emotional. I know someone like this and even when they don't think they are, they are so refreshing and real. I think its what the OT prophets were like and what Jesus was like, they wrestled and interacted with God and their surroundings. They didnt, as I do, find a working formula and try to live by it.
The thing about the book that most provoked a reaction from me was something I mentioned earlier in the whole "risk" aspect. I talked about this in my last blog. Someone told me shortly after that the sorta risk I like is risk where the odds are stacked in my favour. This has challenged me alot, to do with my future partly but mostly, the present. Would I trust God with that big a leap? To trust him with my whole life not just a youth club for two hours? To be so overwhelmed, as was Jackie Pullinger, that its God or bust? I want that with all my heart but I have not yet chosen it, because I am scared.
The book, on the whole, was inspiring and challenging. And yes, I think Jackie Pullinger is right in saying that if you're not doing what she is doing, you're not living a Chirstian life, that is, if you're not living for others. And this is more than working for Oasis, its a heart attitude that holds others higher than yourself. So that can be done in business, at home, whatever you're doing.
The first thing that I fell in love with was her simple faith. By her own admission, there was a lot she didnt understand, before even going to China. And it was a very simple yet "radical" decision to go in the first place. I was impacted by the simplicity of her decision. That is one thing I long for, a wreckless trust in God. I always think we can easily water-down the wrecklessness (in want of a better word) of Jesus and call it "being wise". Which means playing it safe. Jesus didnt play it safe. There was something in this woman that I was jealous of if you like.
As she got there and started to get stuck in, I could make, although limited and poor, comparisons between what she was doing and what I was doing. Yes there were leaps of difference between her situation and mine but there was almost the same fundamental thing. This was found in serving people that you would not have come in to any contact with if you had just floated through life. There was still the "risk", the laying down of self etc, just not in the same extremeties. But that was where the challenges came. She lived FOR them. I realised that in my situation, I will prepare for 2hours of youth club then run back home. I was not willing to LIVE for these young people. And it stretches further thatn that. So that you can live for anyone you come into contact with. Like Jesus.
The other thing I quite took to (being from a charismatic background) was the faith she had in things like healing and drug recovery. I sometimes feel that work at Oasis, can have a feel of activism/humanism. That this is how we serve God because we can do it this way, we dont know enough about healing and prayer and so that takes a backseat to practical, esteem-building help. In my opinion, she lived the holistic gospel. It encouraged me to speak in tongues, to believe for more than a practical "lets be nice to people" thing and radically love them. To hold to truth even when it's not PC and to treat everyone as a person.
She was a very real person, very emotional. I know someone like this and even when they don't think they are, they are so refreshing and real. I think its what the OT prophets were like and what Jesus was like, they wrestled and interacted with God and their surroundings. They didnt, as I do, find a working formula and try to live by it.
The thing about the book that most provoked a reaction from me was something I mentioned earlier in the whole "risk" aspect. I talked about this in my last blog. Someone told me shortly after that the sorta risk I like is risk where the odds are stacked in my favour. This has challenged me alot, to do with my future partly but mostly, the present. Would I trust God with that big a leap? To trust him with my whole life not just a youth club for two hours? To be so overwhelmed, as was Jackie Pullinger, that its God or bust? I want that with all my heart but I have not yet chosen it, because I am scared.
The book, on the whole, was inspiring and challenging. And yes, I think Jackie Pullinger is right in saying that if you're not doing what she is doing, you're not living a Chirstian life, that is, if you're not living for others. And this is more than working for Oasis, its a heart attitude that holds others higher than yourself. So that can be done in business, at home, whatever you're doing.
Thursday, 5 February 2009
Musings of a control freak
Last Thursday I had the privilige of meeting with a man. A man named Tony. He is one of them people that is so obviously at peace with himself. He asked me questions, I done my best to answer. He exposed something in me, something God has been talking to me about...my inner control freak.
I would have never consider myself to be a person of control, until now that is. I have realised my faith in God is built upon this faith in myself. I am afraid of failure, I am terrified of not being liked and I am scared that someone will rob me of my comfort. And so, insted of relying on God, on his forgiveness, I control.
Repentance is not making sure you dont sin again, it is truly understanding forgiveness. My perception of me, my perception of others is based upon a "who-deserves-what" basis. How often have I heard preachers say so dismissively "Of course, we are all sinners". It hasnt changed my perception. I want to be liked, I want the sins I commit to be ones that gain me pity from others, not disdain. I am unwilling to let go of my life, give it to God, embrace forgiveness.
Jeffrey Dahmer was a man who was convicted for killing 17 boys and men. His murders were particularly gruesome, involving rape, torture, dismemberment, necrophilia and cannibalism. He was eventually beaten to death by a fellow prisoner. While in prison, however, it is claimed that Dahmer recieved Jesus as his Lord and saviour. Let me ask you a question...do you believe that Dahmer could stand in peaceful assurance that Jesus loves him as much as he loves you and say confidently "I am forgiven"?
I want people to like me, to be accepted, I want to carve out a mature Christian who I can call me, I dont want to fail, look stupid, be out of my depth, live EVERY second with God as my security. And so I reduce my sins down to things that dont matter, I try to act like Im in grace and forgiven, and that I actually care about others. But I dont. And I wont until this seed of forgiveness, this love so powerful, it could forgive me and Dahmer and you. And all I know is, however hard I try,I cant get it unless I accept it as a gift, until I let go.
I do wonder why this is so hard.
I would have never consider myself to be a person of control, until now that is. I have realised my faith in God is built upon this faith in myself. I am afraid of failure, I am terrified of not being liked and I am scared that someone will rob me of my comfort. And so, insted of relying on God, on his forgiveness, I control.
Repentance is not making sure you dont sin again, it is truly understanding forgiveness. My perception of me, my perception of others is based upon a "who-deserves-what" basis. How often have I heard preachers say so dismissively "Of course, we are all sinners". It hasnt changed my perception. I want to be liked, I want the sins I commit to be ones that gain me pity from others, not disdain. I am unwilling to let go of my life, give it to God, embrace forgiveness.
Jeffrey Dahmer was a man who was convicted for killing 17 boys and men. His murders were particularly gruesome, involving rape, torture, dismemberment, necrophilia and cannibalism. He was eventually beaten to death by a fellow prisoner. While in prison, however, it is claimed that Dahmer recieved Jesus as his Lord and saviour. Let me ask you a question...do you believe that Dahmer could stand in peaceful assurance that Jesus loves him as much as he loves you and say confidently "I am forgiven"?
I want people to like me, to be accepted, I want to carve out a mature Christian who I can call me, I dont want to fail, look stupid, be out of my depth, live EVERY second with God as my security. And so I reduce my sins down to things that dont matter, I try to act like Im in grace and forgiven, and that I actually care about others. But I dont. And I wont until this seed of forgiveness, this love so powerful, it could forgive me and Dahmer and you. And all I know is, however hard I try,I cant get it unless I accept it as a gift, until I let go.
I do wonder why this is so hard.
Monday, 12 January 2009
Weak like christian squash
"If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, but only a fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God." Hebrews 10 vs 26 and 27. I would consider myself a very poorly disciplined person. I can never seem to push on through stuff. New years resolutions, fasts, hard and fast desicions, they seem to be useless because in any moment of weakness I'll give in and then give up. I hate that I have weakness, if my life could be summed up in a phrase it may well be "fear of failure". I want so bad to get it right, I know so bad I don't.
The thing is, Christian Spirituality to me, is just a journey towards being perfect, being more like Jesus. Which it is, but that's not really the whole story. The better I feel I'm doing, the worse I start to get. It's like in all of it, I'm doing something wrong. Which I am. And this is how I am coming to realise that weakness is not all bad, because, as I'm realising, it hasnt got the last say...
So Im reading Genesis at the moment. And there's this guy, Abram who turned into Abraham because God told him to. Everyone thinks Abrahams got alot of things right, which he does because he trusts God. But then there's some other guys, heroes of their time and race...Moses and Joshua and then Samson and moving through time, David, Solomon. I've missed plenty of the heroes out because there is quite alot. Not all of them were that great. Samson, for example, killed one thousand men with jaw of a donkey. In all my getting it right, I'm pretty convinced God wouldn't be too thrilled with my escapades if I done the same. And that other guy David, he was a legend, there's still a star around named after him. He's big. But then this one time, he looks at a naked lady, tells her to sleep with him, (Oh yeah and by the way, she's married), then kills her husband and makes it look like an accident!!! But God, who I would have thought would be like furious and like send the guy to hell or something, says, and I quote, "he's a man after my own heart". Eh?
And so somehow, I'm running after the same God who said this. And everytime I look in lust, everytime I wind Steve up, everytime I have no time for a young person or I let hatred sit in my stomach, I realise I can't take the burning failure, and it does burn.
The hero list doesnt end which is great. Everyone loves a hero, but more than that, everyone loves a NEW hero right? So moving on, this other new guy shows up, he's called Jesus, and that's a weird name, but in his time it was like Josh, which isnt that weird. And so this guy, Josh, he claims that he IS God. Eh? What, so all these heroes who loved God...they loved HIM? And then Josh (who by the way, I have become quite convinced IS God) doesnt kill anyone with a jaw bone of any animal, doesnt look at any woman in lust, doesnt have enormous strength like Samson, isn't a King like David. And yet he's considered the greatest of all the heroes. He says some rather strange things. Like there was this group at the time, who were really, really good. I want to be perfect? These guys WERE perfect, they done everything right. But He said horrible things to them like "hypocrites" and things, if he said them to me, I'd be upset, because after all, I'm trying to BE him.
In the end, they killed Josh because he wound some important people up too much. There is a happy ending to that story though. But even following that, there's this OTHER guy called Paul. He says some weird things. Like this, in a letter to some friends..."Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses" and "For when I am weak, then I am strong" and then God says to him "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." It doesnt all seem to add up, or maybe it does, either way it can be confusing. Because, Paul realised that there was something special about Josh and he considered himself a slave to the man. But Josh said really difficult things like "For I tell you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the Pharisees and the teachers of the law, you will certainly not enter the kingdom of heaven". But these guys were PERFECT!
But then we come back to Paul who's convinced God is saying that weakness isn't that bad. And there's that guy from before, Samson, he was strong and like all of them older heroes, they saw that strength was like this thing that God will use...and He did. So there seems to be this double-sidedness to God, or the heroes or whatever. Because Gods the strongest ever, and his Son told us that we must be perfect to get where we wanna go. But then calls the guys who are perfect, hypocrites. And then Paul starts saying something along the lines of "weakness isn't all bad, in fact, God uses that to his gain". But, surely to be good representatives of God, we should be perfect like him?!
So I'm stuck. And I want to follow Josh. And I want to know God. And so I try my best to be like him, because he says to follow him. And so when I learn a new tip or idea, it goes in the noggin and I then start to try and be abit more like this or more like that. It's all so dis-heartening. This one time, when I was abit younger, though not too much younger, I decided I'd make a list of the stuff in me that wasn't right, and pray about it, and focus to change it. Everyday the list got longer and longer and longer. And then I began to realise maybe there was these underlying issues that lead to the other issues. So maybe I only had to pray through like two or three issues and then ALL the issues would sort out. But then, it all got rather confusing. Like, learning what the issues were. But then new ones would become apparent and that didn't matter because the ones I DID know, weren't getting sorted anyway!
Why did Josh hang around with sinners? With those who didnt do anything right? Why did his right-hand man deny him three times, remembering that Josh said that those who deny him, he too, will deny them? And why did Peter suffer with jealousy even when he was in the business of "Josh"? Why did Jesus call those who were "spiritually mature" and doing things "right" hypocrites, proud, snakes etc etc. I seem to have been missing something. And then there's grace...
Words can't encapsulate what grace is. To hear it, is terrifying and offensive. To get a glimpse is to get a glimpse of heaven. The other night, I lay on my bed, frustrated at my failings and how crap I'd been towards others that day. And I was reading this book "The ragamuffin Gospel" by an Irish-American "vagabond evangelical" as like to be known. And it said that grace is about being accepted...where...you...are. That once we accept that we are full of crap, and that we are full of beauty, but ultimately, its God. The freedom to run after this man called Josh, through addictions, through habits, through wrong mindsets and know that somehow, they aren't the point. Josh is always there to be found. He likes us. It suddenyl clicked.
And so I want to grow and mature etc, but if I don't, if people observe me as immature and irresponsible, thats not the point. I will run after this man, to the point of my own death, not because I can, or because I'm strong enough to push through, I'm not. "Freely you recieved so freely you shall give". Paul said that. He understood that weakness isn't the point. That God works through that. And the heroes, the ones of old, they were'nt that great. Moses told God that he wasnt gonna say a word to anyone because he wasn't good at it. Samson fell into pretty much any temptation laid in his path, we covered David. It was something else in them that was heroic. They decided that God and Josh were worth running after depstie weakness and because of that, God used their weakness. They decided that God was bigger than their weakness. That's alot harder to do than you think.
And so I keep on sinning, mortal and venial sins alike and I yet I know that somehow, it will all be alright and God loves me as I am. A clever man named Clive once said “The Christian does not think God will love us because we are good, but that God will make us good because he loves us.” I believe I agree.
The thing is, Christian Spirituality to me, is just a journey towards being perfect, being more like Jesus. Which it is, but that's not really the whole story. The better I feel I'm doing, the worse I start to get. It's like in all of it, I'm doing something wrong. Which I am. And this is how I am coming to realise that weakness is not all bad, because, as I'm realising, it hasnt got the last say...
So Im reading Genesis at the moment. And there's this guy, Abram who turned into Abraham because God told him to. Everyone thinks Abrahams got alot of things right, which he does because he trusts God. But then there's some other guys, heroes of their time and race...Moses and Joshua and then Samson and moving through time, David, Solomon. I've missed plenty of the heroes out because there is quite alot. Not all of them were that great. Samson, for example, killed one thousand men with jaw of a donkey. In all my getting it right, I'm pretty convinced God wouldn't be too thrilled with my escapades if I done the same. And that other guy David, he was a legend, there's still a star around named after him. He's big. But then this one time, he looks at a naked lady, tells her to sleep with him, (Oh yeah and by the way, she's married), then kills her husband and makes it look like an accident!!! But God, who I would have thought would be like furious and like send the guy to hell or something, says, and I quote, "he's a man after my own heart". Eh?
And so somehow, I'm running after the same God who said this. And everytime I look in lust, everytime I wind Steve up, everytime I have no time for a young person or I let hatred sit in my stomach, I realise I can't take the burning failure, and it does burn.
The hero list doesnt end which is great. Everyone loves a hero, but more than that, everyone loves a NEW hero right? So moving on, this other new guy shows up, he's called Jesus, and that's a weird name, but in his time it was like Josh, which isnt that weird. And so this guy, Josh, he claims that he IS God. Eh? What, so all these heroes who loved God...they loved HIM? And then Josh (who by the way, I have become quite convinced IS God) doesnt kill anyone with a jaw bone of any animal, doesnt look at any woman in lust, doesnt have enormous strength like Samson, isn't a King like David. And yet he's considered the greatest of all the heroes. He says some rather strange things. Like there was this group at the time, who were really, really good. I want to be perfect? These guys WERE perfect, they done everything right. But He said horrible things to them like "hypocrites" and things, if he said them to me, I'd be upset, because after all, I'm trying to BE him.
In the end, they killed Josh because he wound some important people up too much. There is a happy ending to that story though. But even following that, there's this OTHER guy called Paul. He says some weird things. Like this, in a letter to some friends..."Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses" and "For when I am weak, then I am strong" and then God says to him "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." It doesnt all seem to add up, or maybe it does, either way it can be confusing. Because, Paul realised that there was something special about Josh and he considered himself a slave to the man. But Josh said really difficult things like "For I tell you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the Pharisees and the teachers of the law, you will certainly not enter the kingdom of heaven". But these guys were PERFECT!
But then we come back to Paul who's convinced God is saying that weakness isn't that bad. And there's that guy from before, Samson, he was strong and like all of them older heroes, they saw that strength was like this thing that God will use...and He did. So there seems to be this double-sidedness to God, or the heroes or whatever. Because Gods the strongest ever, and his Son told us that we must be perfect to get where we wanna go. But then calls the guys who are perfect, hypocrites. And then Paul starts saying something along the lines of "weakness isn't all bad, in fact, God uses that to his gain". But, surely to be good representatives of God, we should be perfect like him?!
So I'm stuck. And I want to follow Josh. And I want to know God. And so I try my best to be like him, because he says to follow him. And so when I learn a new tip or idea, it goes in the noggin and I then start to try and be abit more like this or more like that. It's all so dis-heartening. This one time, when I was abit younger, though not too much younger, I decided I'd make a list of the stuff in me that wasn't right, and pray about it, and focus to change it. Everyday the list got longer and longer and longer. And then I began to realise maybe there was these underlying issues that lead to the other issues. So maybe I only had to pray through like two or three issues and then ALL the issues would sort out. But then, it all got rather confusing. Like, learning what the issues were. But then new ones would become apparent and that didn't matter because the ones I DID know, weren't getting sorted anyway!
Why did Josh hang around with sinners? With those who didnt do anything right? Why did his right-hand man deny him three times, remembering that Josh said that those who deny him, he too, will deny them? And why did Peter suffer with jealousy even when he was in the business of "Josh"? Why did Jesus call those who were "spiritually mature" and doing things "right" hypocrites, proud, snakes etc etc. I seem to have been missing something. And then there's grace...
Words can't encapsulate what grace is. To hear it, is terrifying and offensive. To get a glimpse is to get a glimpse of heaven. The other night, I lay on my bed, frustrated at my failings and how crap I'd been towards others that day. And I was reading this book "The ragamuffin Gospel" by an Irish-American "vagabond evangelical" as like to be known. And it said that grace is about being accepted...where...you...are. That once we accept that we are full of crap, and that we are full of beauty, but ultimately, its God. The freedom to run after this man called Josh, through addictions, through habits, through wrong mindsets and know that somehow, they aren't the point. Josh is always there to be found. He likes us. It suddenyl clicked.
And so I want to grow and mature etc, but if I don't, if people observe me as immature and irresponsible, thats not the point. I will run after this man, to the point of my own death, not because I can, or because I'm strong enough to push through, I'm not. "Freely you recieved so freely you shall give". Paul said that. He understood that weakness isn't the point. That God works through that. And the heroes, the ones of old, they were'nt that great. Moses told God that he wasnt gonna say a word to anyone because he wasn't good at it. Samson fell into pretty much any temptation laid in his path, we covered David. It was something else in them that was heroic. They decided that God and Josh were worth running after depstie weakness and because of that, God used their weakness. They decided that God was bigger than their weakness. That's alot harder to do than you think.
And so I keep on sinning, mortal and venial sins alike and I yet I know that somehow, it will all be alright and God loves me as I am. A clever man named Clive once said “The Christian does not think God will love us because we are good, but that God will make us good because he loves us.” I believe I agree.
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