Hmm...where to begin? So the end of the first term draws to a close and I don't think it's a time I can sum up with a sentence or a word as it's been so varied.
I stated in my interview before being confirmed with Oasis that I did not want to be placed in Enfield. So, in all honesty I was pretty miffed when I found out that I would be coming here. This maybe something to do with Watford being only a days walk down the road. However, on coming here and after meeting the team I found myself quite settled and satisfied. I didn't know what to expect and even within two weeks of being here was still getting a "feel" for what it was I was doing here. Training was great and opened my eyes up to what Oasis was about and the heart of this year etc. I think actually looking back that training did mentally and spiritually prepare me for this year and the experiences I've had here are often linked back with the things I learned then and am still learning. It began the next stage of my spiritual journey, in which God has and is teaching me alot.
The first week of work, I was nervous and abit apprehensive as to what I was going to experience, knowing that whatever it was going to be like, I'd be doing for the next six months of my life. I did enjoy it and I think for the first month or so, when the church was still in discussion about the vision and our timetables were alot freer, I was very hyped and all the positive feelings were flowing. I knew what was wrong with the world and the church, I thought that we could get it right and would. And I'm certain a natural arrogance formed over what I was doing, or more accurately, what I was not doing but thinking about how what I was not doing should be done. This I guess is the novelty stage of any new thing.
By mid October however, to my unadmitted disappointment, I could not keep hiding behind the ideals and concepts which kept me feeling rather self righteous. This was essentially because, we started DOING something. I can't say I enjoy sitting down b y a computer and planning things etc but I know its a vital part of what is being done and generrally good practice in todays world. I think I am learning alot about teamwork and the whole admin side of things. Firstly, teamwork. It's something I would always say I loved because it would mean either I would lead an there'd be people under me doing the dirty work or that I could be told what to do by a leader and not have to engage much. However, I am realising that usually teamwork is far harder, it means good communication and delgation and alot of focus. It means accepting things are messy and not (to my frustration) being able to sit down and fill in a worksheet, hand it in and be done. I am learning to be on the ball, but not letting a schedule or deadlines fill mindspace. Being busy but not stressed. Its a very tough lesson to learn, for me anyway and I have definately started that journey in learning that.
It's hard in a blog to sum up everything I've felt over the course of three months. I know that the start of regular church work has taught me and concerned me about matters of grace in the mundane, of combining "spiritual" with everyday stuff. It's a divide in my head that still has alot of work in bringing together. How playing table tennis is advancing Gods kingdom, how drawing up rotas and plans is growing a community. I think if I were to pick one challenge over the time since I've been here, it would be that. To believe that God is in EVERY moment, and that these doctrines of grace and redemption reach much further than I've allowed them to.
The youth clubs have probably been my favourite part of the year so far. I enjoy engaging with the young people and I think because they unknowingly challenge you to be real. More than any other people, they will challenge the things you say and the things you do and so I enjoy the challenge of stripping my layers away or letting God strip the layers away. This is always going to be ongoing but I think its most obvious or the process is sped up in the company of the young people we work with. Its not always been easy and there have been times where I just don't want to carry on with this week in week out, times where I have been tempted to withdraw and "clutch arms around self" rather than trusting God to open me up to embrace people even when they can hurt you. The youth can be my favourite people in the world one week and my worst the next. The challenge for me, is to be willing to look small, to let go of my fears of rejection or stupidity and just allow myself to love. That probably mirrors the same relationship with me and God but inverted; I am fearful of laying myself only upon his love, I have to let go and allow myself to BE loved. Its an exciting journey!
The most recent "issue" if you like has definately been the fact that now work is forming a routine and I am used to the pattern, used to alot of the things I do. And it means I am struggling to feel motivated often. Usually when I first wake up my thoughts are negative about the day, like a "just get through this week" etc. I do wonder how much of this is to do with the weather etc but my thoughts are more negative and to ue the word in its real sense "hopeless". Like I wonder, will I change anything, will I change, does this grace really work or even matter? What am I doing here? Is it worthwile? And more dramatically, is this thing even true or real? Can I rely on what God has said, what Jesus says? My heart fears, could this be true? Could this be the thing that I want it to be? And each morning I have to believe that to be in the right mindset for the day. In all honesty, I fail to always reach that mindset and there have been days where I just think "just get through today".
All it is, is slipping back in to the hedonistic mindset...what's in it for me? What can I look forward to? And it's a battle between accepting this way of thinking or God's way. I need to constantly re align myself with him, to enjoy the now, to make the most of now and not look to each weekend or the next break or evening off. It doesn't mean I don't enjoy the work, its just a habitual way of looking to the next buzz or pampering. And that can be evident in the way I wake up on my days off, often quite selfishly motivated like this day is about ME and what I wanna do. I don't mind looking forward to the Christmas break but I want to enjoy every moment, to pursue the mind of Christ which has its priorities a whole other way up.
God has taught me alot in this time and uncovered many other areas in my life that I didnt know were there and although sometimes I feel like Im living and growing in two different areas, namely practical and spiritual, I know God is working this year for good in EVERYTHING. One final comment actually that hit me the other day, is about my mind. Since coming here I finally feel its coming to a place of rest. Like, when I used to battle so much with doubts and felt quite lonely in that. But here, I really feel that the thinking is being positively channelled and an underlying mindset is being shifted. I noticed this just yesterday in fact when I had a bout of "hopeless" thinking, as I mentioned earlier and my FIRST reaction was to turn to God and say, "I don't understand or get it but I just trust you with it", which is a miracle in itself!
Friday, 5 December 2008
Saturday, 29 November 2008
Believing in and Believing about
Last week, Magdy spoke at church about listening to God. And that was something I felt God talking to me about, the need to hear him. So this week I have made a real effort to listen to Gods voice. Starting off badly though...the typical frustration, waiting in silence in my quiet times for an audible or nearly audible voice giving clear direction or words of knowledge, unsurprisingly it didnt happen and within two days almost gave up my quest with a frustrated eye thrust towards God in accusation.
It occurred to me that I was telling God HOW he should speak and so my next quiet time I just asked him to talk to me, to make me open and if there is anything I need to hear, let me hear as I am unable to make it happen myself. I still dont hear any audible voice, or any hints of direction or words of knowledge (YET, i must add!), but I am constantly checking myself to be re-aligned with Gods truth. I daily ask God to let me hear his "still, small voice", and its not words mostly, its like a realigning of my soul to him. In the morning, however I wake up thinking or feeling, I try to commit my mindsets to him. In all honesty, its a learning curve and I don't make it most of the time. And everytime I hear him, I then have a choice...to believe in what he has just said or not.
And i think this is where believing in or believing about comes into play. As a Christian, I would usually, unwittingly define a Christian as someone who believes certain things ABOUT God, Jesus and the Bible. I would even define myself as a Christian by admitting that I believe Jesus said the things he did and done the things he done. I believe the Bible, I believe what I read ABOUT Jesus. This, maybe is one of Satans greatest tricks...to get us to think that believing things about Jesus and God is the same as believing in them.
When God talks to me, (And Im afraid I can do little to describe how he does, it is like a touch in my spirit, in my mind which can alter my outlook on life if I choose it) I am faced with the choice to believe what he has just said, to believe that Im the apple of his eye, to believe that he is always with me, to believe that he loves the people around me, to believe he has (to coin a phrase from Delirious?) "set his hope in me". This can be so, so tough. When I wake up feeling unmotivated, tired, irritated, to believe these things and actually BELIEVE these things, and ACTUALLY BELIEVE THESE THINGS is really tough. It requires me to let go. To let go of my judgements, of my feelings, of my pride, of my abilities and lack of, to let go of my fears and expectations, to let go. So by the end of the day, ruts have formed, patterns in behaviour etc and often by that time, I will choose not to hear Gods voice as it could drastically disturb my carved out pattern for the day. If I've been moaning all day about a particular event, if I've been acting jovial and goofing (I know...what a great word!) around, I don't want to quiet myself, to hear Gods voice, to admit and accept that each moment of everyday is part of a quest to know more of God and closely linked with that, to enable others to know abit more about him. My temptation is to then, instead of humbling myself, just do things about God, talk about him, think about him, read about him. It seems to take the top off of the guilt that I feel for ignoring his voice.
Christians have a very good way of doing this, to do christian things, help people, read chrisitian things, listen to christian music, be nice, smile when at someone we don't like. Where is there acceptance of grace? I don't like grace because it offends me, it offends my pride, my "humility", my way of living and thinking and I know it will also offend others if I believe it, if I build my house on it. However, I have told God that I want him to do all he can to open my eyes to it, to get me to live in it. I believe that there is more to life than just doing things under different banners, I believe there is a way of living different that we can access. That statement would use to make me angry and scared, because I couldnt bring myself to believe it, there are many reasons not to; too good to be true, it will never happen for me, why isn't everyone else living there then? God is talking to me about this, I know that only he can do it, and I think I believe that much. However, its scary and tough because suddenly the world that I've got used to, that I may well have carved myself a nice identity out of, gets flipped right round and the things that matter to most, matter least, the things that matter least to most, matter most. And it scares me because in Christianity today there are loads of great things but what is rarely ever central is grace. I get filled with depsair that maybe that thing in me that cries out for something more is not found in our churches, the places I would most expect it. We are filled to the brim of the right cliches and sayings, but the people who live them always come under fire from people like me who love the quotes but dont believe that we can actually live like that.
We can, everyday, live in grace. We can, everyday, live in peace. We can, everyday, live in joy. All the "buts" in our head can be silenced, even though I find it hard to believe. If I constantly choose to listen to that voice, if I constantly choose to believe that voice, to believe what God says, bot just that he says it, I CAN LIVE IN GRACE. And all I'm wondering is what will it look like?
It occurred to me that I was telling God HOW he should speak and so my next quiet time I just asked him to talk to me, to make me open and if there is anything I need to hear, let me hear as I am unable to make it happen myself. I still dont hear any audible voice, or any hints of direction or words of knowledge (YET, i must add!), but I am constantly checking myself to be re-aligned with Gods truth. I daily ask God to let me hear his "still, small voice", and its not words mostly, its like a realigning of my soul to him. In the morning, however I wake up thinking or feeling, I try to commit my mindsets to him. In all honesty, its a learning curve and I don't make it most of the time. And everytime I hear him, I then have a choice...to believe in what he has just said or not.
And i think this is where believing in or believing about comes into play. As a Christian, I would usually, unwittingly define a Christian as someone who believes certain things ABOUT God, Jesus and the Bible. I would even define myself as a Christian by admitting that I believe Jesus said the things he did and done the things he done. I believe the Bible, I believe what I read ABOUT Jesus. This, maybe is one of Satans greatest tricks...to get us to think that believing things about Jesus and God is the same as believing in them.
When God talks to me, (And Im afraid I can do little to describe how he does, it is like a touch in my spirit, in my mind which can alter my outlook on life if I choose it) I am faced with the choice to believe what he has just said, to believe that Im the apple of his eye, to believe that he is always with me, to believe that he loves the people around me, to believe he has (to coin a phrase from Delirious?) "set his hope in me". This can be so, so tough. When I wake up feeling unmotivated, tired, irritated, to believe these things and actually BELIEVE these things, and ACTUALLY BELIEVE THESE THINGS is really tough. It requires me to let go. To let go of my judgements, of my feelings, of my pride, of my abilities and lack of, to let go of my fears and expectations, to let go. So by the end of the day, ruts have formed, patterns in behaviour etc and often by that time, I will choose not to hear Gods voice as it could drastically disturb my carved out pattern for the day. If I've been moaning all day about a particular event, if I've been acting jovial and goofing (I know...what a great word!) around, I don't want to quiet myself, to hear Gods voice, to admit and accept that each moment of everyday is part of a quest to know more of God and closely linked with that, to enable others to know abit more about him. My temptation is to then, instead of humbling myself, just do things about God, talk about him, think about him, read about him. It seems to take the top off of the guilt that I feel for ignoring his voice.
Christians have a very good way of doing this, to do christian things, help people, read chrisitian things, listen to christian music, be nice, smile when at someone we don't like. Where is there acceptance of grace? I don't like grace because it offends me, it offends my pride, my "humility", my way of living and thinking and I know it will also offend others if I believe it, if I build my house on it. However, I have told God that I want him to do all he can to open my eyes to it, to get me to live in it. I believe that there is more to life than just doing things under different banners, I believe there is a way of living different that we can access. That statement would use to make me angry and scared, because I couldnt bring myself to believe it, there are many reasons not to; too good to be true, it will never happen for me, why isn't everyone else living there then? God is talking to me about this, I know that only he can do it, and I think I believe that much. However, its scary and tough because suddenly the world that I've got used to, that I may well have carved myself a nice identity out of, gets flipped right round and the things that matter to most, matter least, the things that matter least to most, matter most. And it scares me because in Christianity today there are loads of great things but what is rarely ever central is grace. I get filled with depsair that maybe that thing in me that cries out for something more is not found in our churches, the places I would most expect it. We are filled to the brim of the right cliches and sayings, but the people who live them always come under fire from people like me who love the quotes but dont believe that we can actually live like that.
We can, everyday, live in grace. We can, everyday, live in peace. We can, everyday, live in joy. All the "buts" in our head can be silenced, even though I find it hard to believe. If I constantly choose to listen to that voice, if I constantly choose to believe that voice, to believe what God says, bot just that he says it, I CAN LIVE IN GRACE. And all I'm wondering is what will it look like?
Thursday, 6 November 2008
Drama of Scripture "Review"
This may not be much of a review, I've basically gone through it making notes on things that stood out each chapter, I'll wrap it all up at the end though.
I think the prologue was my favourite part of the book. I remember one of my friends asking why I believed the Bible was absolute truth and then challenging me in asking "But you've got to admit the bible was written by people, its gonna have loads of mistakes". At the time, I mumbled something about God being able to do anything through anyone, which I believe 100% to be true, but which didn't quite do the queestion justice. The book quoted a Hindu guru who remarked about the bible that it was more than any other religious book, it was a whole way of looking at the world, a worldview, a different way to live your life. This really hit home, the bible is not just another book with other opinions, its not just a "religious" book...its a book on EVERYTHING, by EVERYONE. It's not the truth spelled out, if you like, not direct words from God like the Koran. The Bible, is alive, raw, fully human, fully God, a way to live, a story in which we find ourselves to steal from Mclaren. A story that encompasses all other stories, with respect, it is foundational.
So with this in mind, I could start to read the book about THE book with a fresh outlook. Creation was the first "act", which set the scene for the book and made "Drama" in the title fall into place. Creation sets everything else in perspective, I've heard it said that when we fully understand creation, we will understand everything else. The chapter spoke to me in underlining the reality and rawness of it all. Our relationship to God stands in the light of Creation, this is when the curtain comes up on the poetry of life. This is the defining difference between Materialistic and Theistic worldviews, materialism gives everything as meaningless facts and numbers, whereas theism gives everything a context, a story in which to play, in which we are a massive part of. He is intricately involved and reflected in the world, in nature, in us.
Act 2 covers the fall and the beginning of Israels idolatory. The theme that continues through this and every scene is the reliance on God that is needed. The constant flirting with God that Israel displays time and again, following God one minute, then seeking independence the next. In the days of foreign gods, we may be a little confused why the Israelites were tempted to worship them, but in that day it was what everyone was doing, and we all like doing what everyone's doing. It listed the idols of then and the modern day equivalent, alot of the gods meant they could indulge to their desires, yet becoming trapped in superstition, tradition and dissatisfaction, "such gods can never deliver what they promise". A timeless quote, how often, today we pursue idols that bring death in pursuit of identity, acceptance and independence, Israles exact motives. I liked the part about sin being a pursuit of autonomy, the rest is the consequences of that pursuit. The book describes sin as something that twists, not destroys, our gifts are best used when given back to God.
Act 3 was the toughest chapter, covering Israels journey, and with so much to go into, I found it to be little more than a commentary. The questions provided a good source of relating with alot of what is read but not understood in a few of the OT books. It compares Israels journey with that of a Christians, why they are different, the source of envy and disgust. On ehting I really liked that it picked up on in this chapter was how there were many prophets that had many different callings, and it compared it with today, how we often judge one another's differeing walks with God as not genuine but how God is in everyone of them. We are a body, not clones. The centre must remain as Jesus, not repentance, activism, brokenness or faith, the centre is Jesus. This was an especially tough chapter, focusing alot on society and politics. However, its challenges for today were spot on...idol worship in modern Chirstianity? Yes sir!
Then there was the interlude which I found quite interesting. It just set the scene onto which Jesus then appeared. I was abit disappointed that it didnt go into more detail about the other Messiahs, so that a comparison could have been made. I think one of the most interesting things in the whole book was found in the interlude, where it described the different groups at the time and the beliefs and practices that surrounded them at the time. How so often we look back at the practices of some of the groups and treat them as mad or extreme, whereas in our own day and in the context of this society we have the same groups but the lines are fuzzier. Pharisees, people who done what was considred good and right and looked down upon those who didn't, that doesnt sound to unfamiliar. This part of the book I found very eye opening and helpful.
Act 4 looked at the life of Jesus, which, again, had parts that were very helpful. The tempations of Jesus were explained very well, it hadn't really occured to me before that they were that symbolic, but they are all symbols of the expectations from the various groups because everyone of them things begins and ends with Satan. In reading my notes I have said that I would love to know the answer to the first question at the end of this chapter...Jesus talks about the "kingdom of God", but what language could we use in this day to communicate those truths? Its hard but it calls on us to do more than repeat what he said, it asks us to understand the HEART of the message and display that heart for today.
Act 5 wasnt massively impacting, it focused on the mission of the curch, although it did highlight how we often aim for the wrong things, often in this country we are not ver community centered. Act 6 is all about the "end of the world as we know it" if you like. What I loved about this chapter was how salvation, faith and creation all found their place in the scheme of things. It mentions how salvation isn't escape, it's a restoration. I found that it is incredibly important to think of it in this way because it gives purpose to our lives and justifies our desires, it is a "working out" of salvation, not a teleportation to paradise.
My thoughts of the book were on the whole was that it had parts of "enlightenment" and was generally very clear. It raised good, important issues and made sense of the bible as a whole and therefore our lives today. Despite points where it just seemed to be commentary and wasn't an easy read, it was a great way to start to understand the bible as a real book about real things with real implications for today.
I think the prologue was my favourite part of the book. I remember one of my friends asking why I believed the Bible was absolute truth and then challenging me in asking "But you've got to admit the bible was written by people, its gonna have loads of mistakes". At the time, I mumbled something about God being able to do anything through anyone, which I believe 100% to be true, but which didn't quite do the queestion justice. The book quoted a Hindu guru who remarked about the bible that it was more than any other religious book, it was a whole way of looking at the world, a worldview, a different way to live your life. This really hit home, the bible is not just another book with other opinions, its not just a "religious" book...its a book on EVERYTHING, by EVERYONE. It's not the truth spelled out, if you like, not direct words from God like the Koran. The Bible, is alive, raw, fully human, fully God, a way to live, a story in which we find ourselves to steal from Mclaren. A story that encompasses all other stories, with respect, it is foundational.
So with this in mind, I could start to read the book about THE book with a fresh outlook. Creation was the first "act", which set the scene for the book and made "Drama" in the title fall into place. Creation sets everything else in perspective, I've heard it said that when we fully understand creation, we will understand everything else. The chapter spoke to me in underlining the reality and rawness of it all. Our relationship to God stands in the light of Creation, this is when the curtain comes up on the poetry of life. This is the defining difference between Materialistic and Theistic worldviews, materialism gives everything as meaningless facts and numbers, whereas theism gives everything a context, a story in which to play, in which we are a massive part of. He is intricately involved and reflected in the world, in nature, in us.
Act 2 covers the fall and the beginning of Israels idolatory. The theme that continues through this and every scene is the reliance on God that is needed. The constant flirting with God that Israel displays time and again, following God one minute, then seeking independence the next. In the days of foreign gods, we may be a little confused why the Israelites were tempted to worship them, but in that day it was what everyone was doing, and we all like doing what everyone's doing. It listed the idols of then and the modern day equivalent, alot of the gods meant they could indulge to their desires, yet becoming trapped in superstition, tradition and dissatisfaction, "such gods can never deliver what they promise". A timeless quote, how often, today we pursue idols that bring death in pursuit of identity, acceptance and independence, Israles exact motives. I liked the part about sin being a pursuit of autonomy, the rest is the consequences of that pursuit. The book describes sin as something that twists, not destroys, our gifts are best used when given back to God.
Act 3 was the toughest chapter, covering Israels journey, and with so much to go into, I found it to be little more than a commentary. The questions provided a good source of relating with alot of what is read but not understood in a few of the OT books. It compares Israels journey with that of a Christians, why they are different, the source of envy and disgust. On ehting I really liked that it picked up on in this chapter was how there were many prophets that had many different callings, and it compared it with today, how we often judge one another's differeing walks with God as not genuine but how God is in everyone of them. We are a body, not clones. The centre must remain as Jesus, not repentance, activism, brokenness or faith, the centre is Jesus. This was an especially tough chapter, focusing alot on society and politics. However, its challenges for today were spot on...idol worship in modern Chirstianity? Yes sir!
Then there was the interlude which I found quite interesting. It just set the scene onto which Jesus then appeared. I was abit disappointed that it didnt go into more detail about the other Messiahs, so that a comparison could have been made. I think one of the most interesting things in the whole book was found in the interlude, where it described the different groups at the time and the beliefs and practices that surrounded them at the time. How so often we look back at the practices of some of the groups and treat them as mad or extreme, whereas in our own day and in the context of this society we have the same groups but the lines are fuzzier. Pharisees, people who done what was considred good and right and looked down upon those who didn't, that doesnt sound to unfamiliar. This part of the book I found very eye opening and helpful.
Act 4 looked at the life of Jesus, which, again, had parts that were very helpful. The tempations of Jesus were explained very well, it hadn't really occured to me before that they were that symbolic, but they are all symbols of the expectations from the various groups because everyone of them things begins and ends with Satan. In reading my notes I have said that I would love to know the answer to the first question at the end of this chapter...Jesus talks about the "kingdom of God", but what language could we use in this day to communicate those truths? Its hard but it calls on us to do more than repeat what he said, it asks us to understand the HEART of the message and display that heart for today.
Act 5 wasnt massively impacting, it focused on the mission of the curch, although it did highlight how we often aim for the wrong things, often in this country we are not ver community centered. Act 6 is all about the "end of the world as we know it" if you like. What I loved about this chapter was how salvation, faith and creation all found their place in the scheme of things. It mentions how salvation isn't escape, it's a restoration. I found that it is incredibly important to think of it in this way because it gives purpose to our lives and justifies our desires, it is a "working out" of salvation, not a teleportation to paradise.
My thoughts of the book were on the whole was that it had parts of "enlightenment" and was generally very clear. It raised good, important issues and made sense of the bible as a whole and therefore our lives today. Despite points where it just seemed to be commentary and wasn't an easy read, it was a great way to start to understand the bible as a real book about real things with real implications for today.
Saturday, 25 October 2008
Jesus Talks
So this week we were asked to consider communication, the way we communicate and what we learn from the way Jesus communicates. I wasnt so keen on the idea at first because i find the more i think about how im communicating, the more awkward and weird i become. But i was really up for learning about the way Jesus communicates.
I have just started a little "Jesus project" in which I am studying him, the man. I'm not very good at bible studies to be honest but I'm doing it my own way, I'm reading all the gospels and have a big sheet of paper on which i scribble down all my ideas of Jesus, verses and things that stick out. It just dawned on me as I was reading the Irresistible Revolution that when i read the gospels i read what I want to and can manage to skim over the things i dont like or filter out under the over used cliche of cultural relevance. So I am on this Jesus journey (I guess we always are) with a focus on the way in which he communicates.
One thing that has stood out to me already is how expressive he was!!! I always have a "cool Jesus" in my brain, rarely phased, always knowing, always on top of the situation, very set feautres and piercing eyes. But when i read about his adventures, he's nowhere near!!! He is always crying, laughing, smiling, shouting..."And with a LOUD CRY he breathed his last", that doesnt tell of a man he is cool with it all...he cries out to God like any man might in such pain, he is crying, yelling on the cross. And again in the temple he runs around like a madman tipping things up, at other times he shouts at his best friends and then cries at deaths. He didnt save emotions for specific times when he "knew he should", the image i had of him was just all knowing so he would cry right on cue etc. He was actually sad! Very sad! Actually happy! As Philip Yancey in his "The Jesus I never knew" is reminding me, Jews are incredibly expressive people, more so than us today, far more infact. I say bring it on, a weeks wedding?! 120gallons of wine that Jesus made from water in recored breaking time because he wanted the party to carry on...the dancing, the joy. He was an expressive man!!! As Brits, especailly men, we act, or try to, so cool, so unphased, never wanting to make ourselves look silly...when Jesus thrived on it.
Secondly, he was very blunt. He didnt say things FOR a reaction which maybe we need to be careful about but he said things, knowing full well the reaction they would cause. I don't think we would have found him to be very "nice" sometimes. A passage that always astounds me is when his disciples are innocently admiring the temple and he turns round and makes a rather irritating comment, almost retorting that it isn't so impressive. He tells Satan to get behind him when one of his best friends says something that on Peters mind probably seemed supportive of him. Again, not nice, he calls the politicians of the day snakes, the preists frauds, the district ruler "that fox", he was very strongly opiniated. Again, today? He would be a heretic, a troublemaker, a hippy, a mouth that needs to be shut. As Christians we would probably be embarassed at his rantings and try to shut him up as a madman...oh wait...we have!
There's so much I'm learning about him. One of the most important things is that he is HIGHLY unpredictable, I know these days as Christians we are highly predictable, I know I am anyway. Jesus is NOT a formula I can follow, I can't say "in this situation he would do...", the truth is I don't KNOW. However, I am learning his message and his heart, the more my eyes are fixed on him, the more I learn to love him , the further degree to which I believe him, the more I act like him, I have made the decision to "hope against hope" that maybe I CAN change, the more I let go. The amazing ways of communication he developed was from a heart, always of love, never showmanship, which admittedly at the moment is the main source of my communication. The more my heart settles in to his love, the more i will communicate the way i was always supposed to. This is the amazing thing about our Lord, is that he has never asked to us to get it "right", to do the right things at the right times. He has asked us to admit we are sinners, know we are loved by him and then love. "Love and then do as you will".
Anyway, I've deviated slightly but studying any aspect of Jesus opens your world up to new things and he is digging deeper. I'm loving it!
I have just started a little "Jesus project" in which I am studying him, the man. I'm not very good at bible studies to be honest but I'm doing it my own way, I'm reading all the gospels and have a big sheet of paper on which i scribble down all my ideas of Jesus, verses and things that stick out. It just dawned on me as I was reading the Irresistible Revolution that when i read the gospels i read what I want to and can manage to skim over the things i dont like or filter out under the over used cliche of cultural relevance. So I am on this Jesus journey (I guess we always are) with a focus on the way in which he communicates.
One thing that has stood out to me already is how expressive he was!!! I always have a "cool Jesus" in my brain, rarely phased, always knowing, always on top of the situation, very set feautres and piercing eyes. But when i read about his adventures, he's nowhere near!!! He is always crying, laughing, smiling, shouting..."And with a LOUD CRY he breathed his last", that doesnt tell of a man he is cool with it all...he cries out to God like any man might in such pain, he is crying, yelling on the cross. And again in the temple he runs around like a madman tipping things up, at other times he shouts at his best friends and then cries at deaths. He didnt save emotions for specific times when he "knew he should", the image i had of him was just all knowing so he would cry right on cue etc. He was actually sad! Very sad! Actually happy! As Philip Yancey in his "The Jesus I never knew" is reminding me, Jews are incredibly expressive people, more so than us today, far more infact. I say bring it on, a weeks wedding?! 120gallons of wine that Jesus made from water in recored breaking time because he wanted the party to carry on...the dancing, the joy. He was an expressive man!!! As Brits, especailly men, we act, or try to, so cool, so unphased, never wanting to make ourselves look silly...when Jesus thrived on it.
Secondly, he was very blunt. He didnt say things FOR a reaction which maybe we need to be careful about but he said things, knowing full well the reaction they would cause. I don't think we would have found him to be very "nice" sometimes. A passage that always astounds me is when his disciples are innocently admiring the temple and he turns round and makes a rather irritating comment, almost retorting that it isn't so impressive. He tells Satan to get behind him when one of his best friends says something that on Peters mind probably seemed supportive of him. Again, not nice, he calls the politicians of the day snakes, the preists frauds, the district ruler "that fox", he was very strongly opiniated. Again, today? He would be a heretic, a troublemaker, a hippy, a mouth that needs to be shut. As Christians we would probably be embarassed at his rantings and try to shut him up as a madman...oh wait...we have!
There's so much I'm learning about him. One of the most important things is that he is HIGHLY unpredictable, I know these days as Christians we are highly predictable, I know I am anyway. Jesus is NOT a formula I can follow, I can't say "in this situation he would do...", the truth is I don't KNOW. However, I am learning his message and his heart, the more my eyes are fixed on him, the more I learn to love him , the further degree to which I believe him, the more I act like him, I have made the decision to "hope against hope" that maybe I CAN change, the more I let go. The amazing ways of communication he developed was from a heart, always of love, never showmanship, which admittedly at the moment is the main source of my communication. The more my heart settles in to his love, the more i will communicate the way i was always supposed to. This is the amazing thing about our Lord, is that he has never asked to us to get it "right", to do the right things at the right times. He has asked us to admit we are sinners, know we are loved by him and then love. "Love and then do as you will".
Anyway, I've deviated slightly but studying any aspect of Jesus opens your world up to new things and he is digging deeper. I'm loving it!
Friday, 17 October 2008
The place of the mind gods and other thoughts
Recently i havebeen thinking alot. For good reasons but in a bad way. Since i have been here, i have been exposed to a new way of thinking, and its still working through with "the old way". I used to focus my walk twith God entirely on getting to know him more, but also, now i realise this MUST be followed with a love for others etc. Im still struggling abit to find the balance because i know that the more you look at Christ, the more you become like him and so the love for others should be born there...anyway, so with a new "way of thinking" if you like, i started to question the fundamentals of what i believe and why i believe them...and when i start i dont seem to stop.I will question how i even judge "truth", is it logical or intuitive? How do i even know I can trust either of them things etc...it gets to a point where its so deep i become absorbed in it and trapped...what i like to call the mind maze. The way out everytime should be to lay me questions with God, whethr i get an answer or not but i dont, i pursue knowledge to the point of utter confusion, the edge of depression and a focus solely on me. It births pride in its ugliest...I realise how much pride is left in me, how much is left in the church and i try to scramble out of that place...i am trapped AGAIN but in pride. Jesus' teachings are amazing because they are the simplest, most foundational notions that cause the most confusion. So i stay trapped here...until...i just let go. I dont have to "work" my way out, i let him do it, i can rejoice in him even when i am incomplete, unknowing, failing and proud. Instead of "fixing" me, which leads deeper nto the maze, i just let go and let God.I am on a quest that was revealed to me almost two years ago, that we are FREE. And we can probably all recite what we are free of, but it struck home...we are FREE!!!! Why don't i believe it?! Theres ALWAYS a "but", reasons why i shouldnt or couldnt possibly live in a state of joy or peace. When we do this,. we infect others lives and a Shane Claibourne styled life could be lived in business, a home, a neighbourhood, school, IF we dare to be loved so that we can love.My mind has been so me focused lately and still is, but i rejoice in the victory of Christ that he continues to work in me...
The Shack
Ive been reading the Shack and although everyones told me it was excelent, i've found it unimpressive so far. The last chapter though has had an impact, for those who've read it, im at the bit where Mack meets with God's wisdom. It infuriated me. I couldnt stand the arrogance of God (yes i know :o). It made me angry, or what could better be described as sulky. haha. I continued to read and pray and i came to a bit where Jesus starts talking to Mack.It really struck home. Jesus tells Mack "It's not your duty to try and change them, or even convince them. You are free to love without an agenda". It struck home because since i've been at Oasis I've heard alot about loving and serving our neighbour and at home, alot more about personal walk with jesus (of course both places have encouraged both, i just mean the emphasis' have been slighltly different). This just joined the two in an instant. Lately, ive found ive been getting heady about stuff likie Christian politics, brands of theology etc and the "right one". A conversation i had recently about oasis where someone stated "there just feels like so much time and i can't get it all in" and i thought about how busy Steve Chalke is etc. It's like Oasis have had this brilliant effect on me about what Christianity should look like, but i wondered where it stops. Anyway, im rambling abit, getting my thoughts together, what im getting at is this...what JEsus says to Mack in the shack says what oasis says about just loving people without going out to "convert" them. Which is right, but do we burn ourselves out trying to do all the possible good we can? how do we live like Christ? Later, Jesus goes on to say that those whoknow him are those who love with no agenda. Saying that living that life can be and IS sometimes just having time for people, just enjoying relationship. thats life as it should be. It's free, but sacrifce, being subject to his will (the bit that made me angry at God, my own pride that wants indepndence).BUT being dependent on him means we love in all things at all times and we dont go out and do our best for Jesus, we let Jesus love. It means as I go deeper in to him i love others more. Obvious i guess but has come as a bit of a revelation. Extra note was where Jesus says "I have no desire to make them Christian, but i do want to join them in their transformation into Sons and Daughters of God, into my brothers and sisters, into my beloved". Not universalism but just throws our labels out the window. Joy said to me "you only fear labels when you don't who you are" and that's true. When you are rest assured in his love (which this book talks alot about and God has been highlighting in my life, to jump in and believe it) and KNOW it, you can float into different associations and labels and be in it and not of it.Thats very rambly but just different things Gods highlighting in me.
Faith etc
So...faith. At church at home i knew something was missing, it was a great place, loving people, a real heart after God etc BUT i think i always found that there was a certain "reality" missing. I felt something wasnt quite in place as it should be. Coming to Oasis i think i found that reality, like the world wasnt some sort of weird place that we all got dumped at and then there was God out there somwhere, where we should be. It presented me with the idea, this world is very much home, just not as it should be. This is hard to explain, but it's like, EVERYthing is spiritual and real, not just the God stuff! This made loving your neighbour not just a cliche but an actual thing you do, not something you do as you wonder thorugh life but something you aim your life to do...life is Christianity, Christianity is life, there's no "grey" area. And that hasnt meant behind every sneeze there's a demon but that everything we experience reflects deeper spiritual leesons that are real, not weird and alien.
So loving your neighbour isnt a fuzzy "smile at old ladies" but go out of your way to REDEEM the world. Our mission is redemption, holistic (an oasis fave i know heh heh) not just converting everyone. Something that spoke to me was Rob Bell's Velvet Elvis, where it says that our faith is a trampoline which you invite others to join, not a brick wall which you try to defend (my faith has been a brick wall i think). So faith wise, i've had to let go of alot of my "safety nets" or baggage that isnt so scriptual as i might have guessed, which has been hard but also great. Repainting my Christianity. My reference of what God actually is, or where he is, has been questioned, but as i've asked God to reveal himself to me, he has and i have prayed not to swallow whole Oasis. I want to tustle with it, give it all to God so he can give the good bits back...i dont want to discard my theology and embrace an all knew one, but enjoy and learn from it (which i think i already am). There are good things in my previous church which i must hold on to and the same here, God isnt theology but theology is a reflection of God. Im baffling on but God has been teaching me loads and foundational stuff which is scary coz it means letting go of security blankets and changed alot of what ive felt and thought. Gods theology is a practice, the best idea of God and love is nothing to the smallest action done IN love. Christianity is not a theory, its like actions which paint a picture of God. I must live this, not like the idea of it.
So loving your neighbour isnt a fuzzy "smile at old ladies" but go out of your way to REDEEM the world. Our mission is redemption, holistic (an oasis fave i know heh heh) not just converting everyone. Something that spoke to me was Rob Bell's Velvet Elvis, where it says that our faith is a trampoline which you invite others to join, not a brick wall which you try to defend (my faith has been a brick wall i think). So faith wise, i've had to let go of alot of my "safety nets" or baggage that isnt so scriptual as i might have guessed, which has been hard but also great. Repainting my Christianity. My reference of what God actually is, or where he is, has been questioned, but as i've asked God to reveal himself to me, he has and i have prayed not to swallow whole Oasis. I want to tustle with it, give it all to God so he can give the good bits back...i dont want to discard my theology and embrace an all knew one, but enjoy and learn from it (which i think i already am). There are good things in my previous church which i must hold on to and the same here, God isnt theology but theology is a reflection of God. Im baffling on but God has been teaching me loads and foundational stuff which is scary coz it means letting go of security blankets and changed alot of what ive felt and thought. Gods theology is a practice, the best idea of God and love is nothing to the smallest action done IN love. Christianity is not a theory, its like actions which paint a picture of God. I must live this, not like the idea of it.
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