Review-Chasing The Dragon

I was looking forward to reading this book since I've heard alot (both good and bad) about Jackie Pullinger. After Philippa had read it, she sorta left me wondering what to expect, I think I started it with a more ciritical view of things. Expecially since hearing two reports of her being annoying and "If you're not doing what I'm doing, you're not a Christian" type of attitude. However, I was determined to judge it for myself.


The first thing that I fell in love with was her simple faith. By her own admission, there was a lot she didnt understand, before even going to China. And it was a very simple yet "radical" decision to go in the first place. I was impacted by the simplicity of her decision. That is one thing I long for, a wreckless trust in God. I always think we can easily water-down the wrecklessness (in want of a better word) of Jesus and call it "being wise". Which means playing it safe. Jesus didnt play it safe. There was something in this woman that I was jealous of if you like.


As she got there and started to get stuck in, I could make, although limited and poor, comparisons between what she was doing and what I was doing. Yes there were leaps of difference between her situation and mine but there was almost the same fundamental thing. This was found in serving people that you would not have come in to any contact with if you had just floated through life. There was still the "risk", the laying down of self etc, just not in the same extremeties. But that was where the challenges came. She lived FOR them. I realised that in my situation, I will prepare for 2hours of youth club then run back home. I was not willing to LIVE for these young people. And it stretches further thatn that. So that you can live for anyone you come into contact with. Like Jesus.


The other thing I quite took to (being from a charismatic background) was the faith she had in things like healing and drug recovery. I sometimes feel that work at Oasis, can have a feel of activism/humanism. That this is how we serve God because we can do it this way, we dont know enough about healing and prayer and so that takes a backseat to practical, esteem-building help. In my opinion, she lived the holistic gospel. It encouraged me to speak in tongues, to believe for more than a practical "lets be nice to people" thing and radically love them. To hold to truth even when it's not PC and to treat everyone as a person.


She was a very real person, very emotional. I know someone like this and even when they don't think they are, they are so refreshing and real. I think its what the OT prophets were like and what Jesus was like, they wrestled and interacted with God and their surroundings. They didnt, as I do, find a working formula and try to live by it.


The thing about the book that most provoked a reaction from me was something I mentioned earlier in the whole "risk" aspect. I talked about this in my last blog. Someone told me shortly after that the sorta risk I like is risk where the odds are stacked in my favour. This has challenged me alot, to do with my future partly but mostly, the present. Would I trust God with that big a leap? To trust him with my whole life not just a youth club for two hours? To be so overwhelmed, as was Jackie Pullinger, that its God or bust? I want that with all my heart but I have not yet chosen it, because I am scared.

The book, on the whole, was inspiring and challenging. And yes, I think Jackie Pullinger is right in saying that if you're not doing what she is doing, you're not living a Chirstian life, that is, if you're not living for others. And this is more than working for Oasis, its a heart attitude that holds others higher than yourself. So that can be done in business, at home, whatever you're doing.

Musings of a control freak

Last Thursday I had the privilige of meeting with a man. A man named Tony. He is one of them people that is so obviously at peace with himself. He asked me questions, I done my best to answer. He exposed something in me, something God has been talking to me about...my inner control freak.

I would have never consider myself to be a person of control, until now that is. I have realised my faith in God is built upon this faith in myself. I am afraid of failure, I am terrified of not being liked and I am scared that someone will rob me of my comfort. And so, insted of relying on God, on his forgiveness, I control.

Repentance is not making sure you dont sin again, it is truly understanding forgiveness. My perception of me, my perception of others is based upon a "who-deserves-what" basis. How often have I heard preachers say so dismissively "Of course, we are all sinners". It hasnt changed my perception. I want to be liked, I want the sins I commit to be ones that gain me pity from others, not disdain. I am unwilling to let go of my life, give it to God, embrace forgiveness.

Jeffrey Dahmer was a man who was convicted for killing 17 boys and men. His murders were particularly gruesome, involving rape, torture, dismemberment, necrophilia and cannibalism. He was eventually beaten to death by a fellow prisoner. While in prison, however, it is claimed that Dahmer recieved Jesus as his Lord and saviour. Let me ask you a question...do you believe that Dahmer could stand in peaceful assurance that Jesus loves him as much as he loves you and say confidently "I am forgiven"?

I want people to like me, to be accepted, I want to carve out a mature Christian who I can call me, I dont want to fail, look stupid, be out of my depth, live EVERY second with God as my security. And so I reduce my sins down to things that dont matter, I try to act like Im in grace and forgiven, and that I actually care about others. But I dont. And I wont until this seed of forgiveness, this love so powerful, it could forgive me and Dahmer and you. And all I know is, however hard I try,I cant get it unless I accept it as a gift, until I let go.

I do wonder why this is so hard.