From September to December

Hmm...where to begin? So the end of the first term draws to a close and I don't think it's a time I can sum up with a sentence or a word as it's been so varied.

I stated in my interview before being confirmed with Oasis that I did not want to be placed in Enfield. So, in all honesty I was pretty miffed when I found out that I would be coming here. This maybe something to do with Watford being only a days walk down the road. However, on coming here and after meeting the team I found myself quite settled and satisfied. I didn't know what to expect and even within two weeks of being here was still getting a "feel" for what it was I was doing here. Training was great and opened my eyes up to what Oasis was about and the heart of this year etc. I think actually looking back that training did mentally and spiritually prepare me for this year and the experiences I've had here are often linked back with the things I learned then and am still learning. It began the next stage of my spiritual journey, in which God has and is teaching me alot.

The first week of work, I was nervous and abit apprehensive as to what I was going to experience, knowing that whatever it was going to be like, I'd be doing for the next six months of my life. I did enjoy it and I think for the first month or so, when the church was still in discussion about the vision and our timetables were alot freer, I was very hyped and all the positive feelings were flowing. I knew what was wrong with the world and the church, I thought that we could get it right and would. And I'm certain a natural arrogance formed over what I was doing, or more accurately, what I was not doing but thinking about how what I was not doing should be done. This I guess is the novelty stage of any new thing.

By mid October however, to my unadmitted disappointment, I could not keep hiding behind the ideals and concepts which kept me feeling rather self righteous. This was essentially because, we started DOING something. I can't say I enjoy sitting down b y a computer and planning things etc but I know its a vital part of what is being done and generrally good practice in todays world. I think I am learning alot about teamwork and the whole admin side of things. Firstly, teamwork. It's something I would always say I loved because it would mean either I would lead an there'd be people under me doing the dirty work or that I could be told what to do by a leader and not have to engage much. However, I am realising that usually teamwork is far harder, it means good communication and delgation and alot of focus. It means accepting things are messy and not (to my frustration) being able to sit down and fill in a worksheet, hand it in and be done. I am learning to be on the ball, but not letting a schedule or deadlines fill mindspace. Being busy but not stressed. Its a very tough lesson to learn, for me anyway and I have definately started that journey in learning that.

It's hard in a blog to sum up everything I've felt over the course of three months. I know that the start of regular church work has taught me and concerned me about matters of grace in the mundane, of combining "spiritual" with everyday stuff. It's a divide in my head that still has alot of work in bringing together. How playing table tennis is advancing Gods kingdom, how drawing up rotas and plans is growing a community. I think if I were to pick one challenge over the time since I've been here, it would be that. To believe that God is in EVERY moment, and that these doctrines of grace and redemption reach much further than I've allowed them to.

The youth clubs have probably been my favourite part of the year so far. I enjoy engaging with the young people and I think because they unknowingly challenge you to be real. More than any other people, they will challenge the things you say and the things you do and so I enjoy the challenge of stripping my layers away or letting God strip the layers away. This is always going to be ongoing but I think its most obvious or the process is sped up in the company of the young people we work with. Its not always been easy and there have been times where I just don't want to carry on with this week in week out, times where I have been tempted to withdraw and "clutch arms around self" rather than trusting God to open me up to embrace people even when they can hurt you. The youth can be my favourite people in the world one week and my worst the next. The challenge for me, is to be willing to look small, to let go of my fears of rejection or stupidity and just allow myself to love. That probably mirrors the same relationship with me and God but inverted; I am fearful of laying myself only upon his love, I have to let go and allow myself to BE loved. Its an exciting journey!

The most recent "issue" if you like has definately been the fact that now work is forming a routine and I am used to the pattern, used to alot of the things I do. And it means I am struggling to feel motivated often. Usually when I first wake up my thoughts are negative about the day, like a "just get through this week" etc. I do wonder how much of this is to do with the weather etc but my thoughts are more negative and to ue the word in its real sense "hopeless". Like I wonder, will I change anything, will I change, does this grace really work or even matter? What am I doing here? Is it worthwile? And more dramatically, is this thing even true or real? Can I rely on what God has said, what Jesus says? My heart fears, could this be true? Could this be the thing that I want it to be? And each morning I have to believe that to be in the right mindset for the day. In all honesty, I fail to always reach that mindset and there have been days where I just think "just get through today".

All it is, is slipping back in to the hedonistic mindset...what's in it for me? What can I look forward to? And it's a battle between accepting this way of thinking or God's way. I need to constantly re align myself with him, to enjoy the now, to make the most of now and not look to each weekend or the next break or evening off. It doesn't mean I don't enjoy the work, its just a habitual way of looking to the next buzz or pampering. And that can be evident in the way I wake up on my days off, often quite selfishly motivated like this day is about ME and what I wanna do. I don't mind looking forward to the Christmas break but I want to enjoy every moment, to pursue the mind of Christ which has its priorities a whole other way up.

God has taught me alot in this time and uncovered many other areas in my life that I didnt know were there and although sometimes I feel like Im living and growing in two different areas, namely practical and spiritual, I know God is working this year for good in EVERYTHING. One final comment actually that hit me the other day, is about my mind. Since coming here I finally feel its coming to a place of rest. Like, when I used to battle so much with doubts and felt quite lonely in that. But here, I really feel that the thinking is being positively channelled and an underlying mindset is being shifted. I noticed this just yesterday in fact when I had a bout of "hopeless" thinking, as I mentioned earlier and my FIRST reaction was to turn to God and say, "I don't understand or get it but I just trust you with it", which is a miracle in itself!