Musings of a control freak

Last Thursday I had the privilige of meeting with a man. A man named Tony. He is one of them people that is so obviously at peace with himself. He asked me questions, I done my best to answer. He exposed something in me, something God has been talking to me about...my inner control freak.

I would have never consider myself to be a person of control, until now that is. I have realised my faith in God is built upon this faith in myself. I am afraid of failure, I am terrified of not being liked and I am scared that someone will rob me of my comfort. And so, insted of relying on God, on his forgiveness, I control.

Repentance is not making sure you dont sin again, it is truly understanding forgiveness. My perception of me, my perception of others is based upon a "who-deserves-what" basis. How often have I heard preachers say so dismissively "Of course, we are all sinners". It hasnt changed my perception. I want to be liked, I want the sins I commit to be ones that gain me pity from others, not disdain. I am unwilling to let go of my life, give it to God, embrace forgiveness.

Jeffrey Dahmer was a man who was convicted for killing 17 boys and men. His murders were particularly gruesome, involving rape, torture, dismemberment, necrophilia and cannibalism. He was eventually beaten to death by a fellow prisoner. While in prison, however, it is claimed that Dahmer recieved Jesus as his Lord and saviour. Let me ask you a question...do you believe that Dahmer could stand in peaceful assurance that Jesus loves him as much as he loves you and say confidently "I am forgiven"?

I want people to like me, to be accepted, I want to carve out a mature Christian who I can call me, I dont want to fail, look stupid, be out of my depth, live EVERY second with God as my security. And so I reduce my sins down to things that dont matter, I try to act like Im in grace and forgiven, and that I actually care about others. But I dont. And I wont until this seed of forgiveness, this love so powerful, it could forgive me and Dahmer and you. And all I know is, however hard I try,I cant get it unless I accept it as a gift, until I let go.

I do wonder why this is so hard.