Believing in and Believing about

Last week, Magdy spoke at church about listening to God. And that was something I felt God talking to me about, the need to hear him. So this week I have made a real effort to listen to Gods voice. Starting off badly though...the typical frustration, waiting in silence in my quiet times for an audible or nearly audible voice giving clear direction or words of knowledge, unsurprisingly it didnt happen and within two days almost gave up my quest with a frustrated eye thrust towards God in accusation.

It occurred to me that I was telling God HOW he should speak and so my next quiet time I just asked him to talk to me, to make me open and if there is anything I need to hear, let me hear as I am unable to make it happen myself. I still dont hear any audible voice, or any hints of direction or words of knowledge (YET, i must add!), but I am constantly checking myself to be re-aligned with Gods truth. I daily ask God to let me hear his "still, small voice", and its not words mostly, its like a realigning of my soul to him. In the morning, however I wake up thinking or feeling, I try to commit my mindsets to him. In all honesty, its a learning curve and I don't make it most of the time. And everytime I hear him, I then have a choice...to believe in what he has just said or not.

And i think this is where believing in or believing about comes into play. As a Christian, I would usually, unwittingly define a Christian as someone who believes certain things ABOUT God, Jesus and the Bible. I would even define myself as a Christian by admitting that I believe Jesus said the things he did and done the things he done. I believe the Bible, I believe what I read ABOUT Jesus. This, maybe is one of Satans greatest tricks...to get us to think that believing things about Jesus and God is the same as believing in them.

When God talks to me, (And Im afraid I can do little to describe how he does, it is like a touch in my spirit, in my mind which can alter my outlook on life if I choose it) I am faced with the choice to believe what he has just said, to believe that Im the apple of his eye, to believe that he is always with me, to believe that he loves the people around me, to believe he has (to coin a phrase from Delirious?) "set his hope in me". This can be so, so tough. When I wake up feeling unmotivated, tired, irritated, to believe these things and actually BELIEVE these things, and ACTUALLY BELIEVE THESE THINGS is really tough. It requires me to let go. To let go of my judgements, of my feelings, of my pride, of my abilities and lack of, to let go of my fears and expectations, to let go. So by the end of the day, ruts have formed, patterns in behaviour etc and often by that time, I will choose not to hear Gods voice as it could drastically disturb my carved out pattern for the day. If I've been moaning all day about a particular event, if I've been acting jovial and goofing (I know...what a great word!) around, I don't want to quiet myself, to hear Gods voice, to admit and accept that each moment of everyday is part of a quest to know more of God and closely linked with that, to enable others to know abit more about him. My temptation is to then, instead of humbling myself, just do things about God, talk about him, think about him, read about him. It seems to take the top off of the guilt that I feel for ignoring his voice.

Christians have a very good way of doing this, to do christian things, help people, read chrisitian things, listen to christian music, be nice, smile when at someone we don't like. Where is there acceptance of grace? I don't like grace because it offends me, it offends my pride, my "humility", my way of living and thinking and I know it will also offend others if I believe it, if I build my house on it. However, I have told God that I want him to do all he can to open my eyes to it, to get me to live in it. I believe that there is more to life than just doing things under different banners, I believe there is a way of living different that we can access. That statement would use to make me angry and scared, because I couldnt bring myself to believe it, there are many reasons not to; too good to be true, it will never happen for me, why isn't everyone else living there then? God is talking to me about this, I know that only he can do it, and I think I believe that much. However, its scary and tough because suddenly the world that I've got used to, that I may well have carved myself a nice identity out of, gets flipped right round and the things that matter to most, matter least, the things that matter least to most, matter most. And it scares me because in Christianity today there are loads of great things but what is rarely ever central is grace. I get filled with depsair that maybe that thing in me that cries out for something more is not found in our churches, the places I would most expect it. We are filled to the brim of the right cliches and sayings, but the people who live them always come under fire from people like me who love the quotes but dont believe that we can actually live like that.

We can, everyday, live in grace. We can, everyday, live in peace. We can, everyday, live in joy. All the "buts" in our head can be silenced, even though I find it hard to believe. If I constantly choose to listen to that voice, if I constantly choose to believe that voice, to believe what God says, bot just that he says it, I CAN LIVE IN GRACE. And all I'm wondering is what will it look like?